Oh, God! How Could You? My Letter to God

Dear God,

Many times I cried out to you and I heard the silent reply.  I often wondered, did you even hear me?  How could you allow All of This?  Didn’t you see me or hear me?  What about that night I was minutes away from taking my life?  Is that what you had planned for me?  What about the lonely Sundays and Holidays that I wept and begged for you to Help Me?  Where were you?  Do you remember seeing me sitting by the fire out there and feeling so alone and hurting and crying?  Where were you?  What about those nights I was blasted outta my brain and falling victim to the very adversary that I was taught was gonna ‘Get me’ if I was not prepared, but if I would just cry out, you would help me.  You fed Elijah by sending Ravens with meat so he would be sustained.  Wasn’t I your beloved, as Elijah?  Where were you when I walked out on my life?  Aren’t I your beloved?  Did I have to walk through all of that?  Don’t you see me, I am dying here?  You are the God that placed the sun, the moon, and the stars.  You are the creator and you are the giver of life.  Through you, all things are made new, wasn’t I important?  Your word tells me that you know my thoughts even before I think them.  Your word tells me that you even know the number of hairs that are on my head.  Where were you?  How could you?

As a kid I felt your call on my life.  I remember asking you to come into my life when I was 11 years old. I remember feeling like a prince after that night and I tried my best living for you for many years. I gave you my formative years and my young teen years and I gave you all my years as a young adult.  I know there were some blunders in there but at the end of the day, I still loved you.  As I entered my mid-twenties and early thirties, I knew that my plan and your plan was about to be quiet different.  After all I didn’t ask for such a high calling on my life.  I finally accepted your call and now, This!  I didn’t sign up for this!  I feel like I gave you those years of my life and I was glad to do it, after all it felt right, this was my Destiny.  Now, look at me, out here Alone, Broken and Hopeless.  Am I just going to live like this the rest of my life?  How could you?  I am your beloved, remember?!

Look at me, how could I have fallen so far?  I have ruined the greatest relationships of my life, I am jobless.  What kind of man am I without a job?  Your word says I am an infidel.  Is this the life you destined for me?  I am out here in this abyss of a life that is sucking me into a place that I am not familiar with.  How am I supposed to survive?  I am afraid!  How could you?  I feel like road kill and the vulture is picking meat off of my bones.  If I remember correctly, you gave life to a field of bones.  Not only were they bones, they were dry.  How could you?  I can’t survive out here.  This life is not the safe life that I had or had hoped for.  Am I not important to you?  This abyss is dark, as I can’t see beyond a short distance out into the open.  I am hopeless!  What about the relationships with my kids and my wife?  Do you not see me or hear me, that is all I know.  I do not know this life.  I do not know how to adjust to this.  I need them, yet I am too angry to run back.  How could you?  Being alone with a room full of people is lonely.  I do not know how to handle it here.  This is not what I wanted.

I am tortured here!  Yet, I am reminded that these were all my doings.  God, show me something, anything!  I hear the voices that keep telling me that I am this or that and most of the time they tell me nothing good.  What do you say I am?  Please, tell me?!  These conversations went on for months, that seemed like an eternity. I know, you did send bits and pieces of relief on occasion.  Like that time I heard Dying to Live the first time.  I really appreciate that, it was timeless.  I needed to hear those words, because believe me, “I was pissed” there at the end of November into December.  I also remember Kim telling me through text that “when you were at your best with God, he knew this was going to happen”.  How could you?  Was this really necessary, All of this?

Well God, here we are.  I made it through.  What a wild ride it was!  I see things a little different now.  You and I are closer than we have ever been.  I know I am still being groomed for your service and for that I am grateful.  I have no doubt about you now.  I know that I am your beloved and I know that my plans and your plans are much different.  Thank You for that.  There is no telling where I would be if this life was all up to me.  Thank you for not giving up on me, God.  I am sure you wept many a tear for me.  I still remember the night I came home to you.  I know how the prodigal must have felt.  I saw you with your arms stretched out and I went running toward you.  I remember leaping into your arms like a child.  I will never forget how you made me feel that night, I was a child again.  A child of the most high God and you were welcoming me back.  It is a feeling that I will never forget.  Now, I stand back and look around and I have deja vu because I see me at different times over the last couple of months but when I look a little bit closer I see you were standing right next to me.  I know that is your way of showing me that you never left.  Thank you!  Over the period of years that my addiction took over my life I begged you to take it away from me and you never did.  I have often wondered why you didn’t, but today as I reevaluate my life I see you did take it away.  When I came running back to you with a pure heart and good intent, you took it away.  I am happy and I feel relief today, God.  I know not one more breath can be taken without the acknowledgement of you.  I cannot lie down at night or get out of bed in the morning without thinking of you.  This is what life is.  This is the good life.  I know that all those things I have lost are going to be returned to me seven fold.  Because your word promises me that it will.  Today, I know that I am your beloved.

P.S.  You have restored so much in my life and I will forever be grateful.  Like I have stated before, God, I gave the evil one 110%, I am going to give you 110% as well.  I owe you that.  I will tell my story to whomever will listen, because the sadness of my story is not even comparable to the greatness of this story.  Lead me Lord and I will Follow.  Open the Doors and I will go in.  For I am not ashamed!  Oh yeah, I will never forget, this is all about you!

Going Forward in Reverse,

Tim