Tag Archives: love

Mirror, Mirror on th………….

I never once in my life claimed to be an Adonis, you know, the God of Beauty and Desire.  Here lately, I feel like Buddha, the guy with the big fat belly.  Truth is, the mirror doesn’t lie.  It will give you an accurate view of the person you have become.  It will show you things only YOU want to see.  Which is a good thing because most folks wouldn’t want to see that anyway.  However, there is another mirror that isn’t physical but is all too real.  It’s the mirror you look into that shows you what you look like on the inside.  No, it’s not an x-ray machine.  It is that soul, that conscience or that moral thermometer that displays all the good and bad that makes you who you are.  Alcohol Anonymous calls it a moral inventory.   Oh, it can show the ugly side of me.  I hate looking into it and wow, how that person inside of me has changed since I was old enough to acknowledge that it was there.

As a youth/teen the person inside me was certainly not who I am today.  I was good and kind kid.  I spent most of my time as a kid, playing in the dirt or playing in the neighborhood with friends.  A pretty good kid.  I went to church when church was in service.  I feel like I never gave my parents too much trouble, just a pure delight.  HaHa!  As a child that grew up in church all the basic things that came along with learning about God, well, I possessed those traits.  I was loving, respectful, acknowledged God in my life, caring and sensitive.  Later, as I grew into a man, that sensitive side is the side I despised the most, it was weak, so I thought.  Things were good as a kid, life was fun and easy, never had any major disagreements with my mom and/or dad, and developed into a normal teenage boy who kept those similar qualities.  I was a good guy.  In my teen years, not much changed.  Of course, I didn’t play in the dirt anymore but I did have friends and we hung out on the weekends and went to church on Sundays, all was well.  The mirror back then showed me much of the same traits it did as a kid.  Let me add, it was in those first 10 or 15 years that I knew God had a plan for my life and I was ok with that.  I wouldn’t start running from God until I was in my mid 20″s.  The mirror wasn’t mean to me when I was young.

I joined the Marine Corps at 18 and that is when some of those traits started to fade a little, they didn’t go away, but they did fade.  I suppressed them.  However,those years in the military taught me some more great traits, like honor, commitment, courage, tenacity, faithfulness (Semper Fidelis), integrity and esprit de corps.  It was also during this time that I started to party.  I mean, we were Marines!  General Douglas MacArthur said, “I have just returned from visiting the Marines at the front, and there is not a finer fighting organization in the world.”  So, what better way to honor such a great fighting force, we honored it by partying.  We did it big, too.  It was just what we did, it’s what most Marines did on the weekends. Remember, I grew up going to church and now that I was over seas and legally I could buy beer at 18 on the Marine Corps base, church became the farthest from my mind.  I had forgotten my First Love, Jesus Christ.

Those  great traits remained with me throughout my life, until about 7 years ago.  Let me note that those traits remain with me today, I have just had to dig a little deeper to bring them back to the forefront of my life.  As I look at my life over the last seven years many things come to mind.  I remember going through that event/trauma that caused me to slip.  It was after I left ministry that I used my first pill in a way that wasn’t safe, I started abusing them.  I remember taking that pill and as I look back on it now, that was the beginning of a ride that I wasn’t ready to take.  I should not have taken that ride!  I regret that day in my life, that day that I added “drug addict” to my resume.  I took those drugs to take away the hurt and pain of  losing  something that I loved and was dear to me.  I didn’t want to be a failure in the eyes of God.  It was then that I started harboring hate, resentment and unforgiveness toward God’s people.  I didn’t want anything to do with those folks and I sure didn’t believe anything that I had learned about God as a kid was true, anymore.  So, now that mirror was showing me hurt, anger, resentment and unbelief in a God that I had grown up believing in.  Little did I know that this is would be only the beginning.

As the next 7 years went on, I became an angry, bitter man.  I became a liar.  I became so much of a person that I didn’t even like.  Shame and guilt became my crutches.  Self-pity was a great friend of mine.  Needless to say, the mirror was not my friend, both mirrors, the one that showed myself and the one that showed me what was inside of me.  I became a disgrace in my eyes and there was nothing anybody could do or say to make me different.  I lost trust in people and I always loved people and was outgoing, never met a stranger.  Drugs are never an answer to anything.  I regret taking that first pill.

So, here we are today, life has changed for me, I no longer am angry or resentful.  Things happened to me for a reason,  although  I am not sure the reason yet.  If only it was to bring me back into the arms of a loving God, it worked.  I have been very careful with this soul searching process.  I wanted to make sure that I was sincere  and serious about it.  This was no joke for me, it was life and death.  All the negative crap had to come out or I would be right back down that road again.  I had to take it serious.  Like I have said, I put in 100% in living outside the realm of God, I am determined to give God 100% as well.  I have to say, this decision saved my life, give it a sincere try, it may work for you.

Now that life is going well for me, I look at what is going on and I want to make sure that I am legit.  In making sure I am legit, I have dug up things that I didn’t realize was even in there.  One, being a Christian means to be like Christ, I can’t be like Christ if I don’t love.  Love starts here with me, if I can’t love me or forgive me then how can I expect to give that to other people.  It is not possible.  Forgiveness, how can I forgive if I can’t forgive me.  I don’t want to hold bitterness and anger inside me.  That is not the way Christ lived.  I had to learn to forgive me.  I am no longer that man, for I am a new creature.  I now treat people the way I want to be treated, I feel the love of God inside me  and it is a great feeling.

Smile, for it may be the only sunshine someone may see that day.  It works, try it.  If I don’t smile and I am a ‘bitter’ Christian, nobody is going to be interested in what I have to offer.  It doesn’t work!  I have learned that it is so much better to give than it is to receive.  No, I don’t have a job yet, but I can give something far more valuable than money.  I can love and respect another person now.  Again, I might be the only love they may see today.  It starts right here at home.  I have to love my family and treat them well.  It is not fair to treat others you barely know better than you treat your own family.  I see it all to often,  I refuse to live like that, if I fail, I will get up and try it again, til I get it right.

Throughout these adventures many things about my life have come to face me.  Today, I do have to say I am a better man than I have ever been.  I am closer to God than I have ever been.  I am not saying I am where I need to be, I still have much work to do.  But I am certainly better than I was.  I no longer crave drugs, God took that desire away from me.   I may crave tonight, but I have a friend that I can call on when I need him, his name is Jesus. When shame and guilt raise its head in front of me, I remember that I am flawless.  I have some relationships that are a little damaged, maybe broken, but I trust God will rebuild those for me.  He is faithful.  I am determined to live my life and share my story because I see hurting people all around me.  People need encouragement, love and a listening ear.  I will be that ear for people.  Thank God for redemption as it is so sweet.


Going Forward in Reverse!







The Chi-Lites, Brad Paisley, MercyMe and Me!

    In 1973, the Chi-Lites recorded a song called “A Letter to Myself”.  Do not ask me what I know about the Chi-Lites?  I may fool you.  They are a vocal group born in the late 50’s and early 60’s with several top 10 R&B hits throughout their career.  You may have heard “Oh Girl” and “Have You Seen Her”, but this song is one of my favorites, also.  The Chi-Lites are one of the great groups of that era and genre, often not getting quiet the recognition they deserve. The Chi-Lites are a long time favorite of mine, as their music is timeless.  Lead singer, songwriter, and producer Eugene Record wrote this song and I gotta tell ya, the dude must have been in love, heartbroken and lonely.

  In 2007, Kimberly Williams-Paisley wrote a book, entitled, “What I Know: Letters to my Younger Self”,  Upon hearing of the book, her husband Brad, felt that idea and title would be a great country and western song.  He wrote the song within a week and entitled it, “Letter to Me”.  The song is much like you would think it would be.  It is about young love and break-ups,  life experiences (both good and bad), reckless driving, algebra class and homecoming bonfires.  Great tune, you should check it.  Furthermore, the song “Letter to Myself” won a Grammy in 2009.   
  Fast-forward to 2014, MercyMe has a great new song out, on their newest album, called “Dear Younger Me”.  I encourage you to listen, as it is a great tune.  As I listened to this song, I thought about life and the trials that it has brought me.  Some of these trials have been self-inflicted, however, they have been trials, nonetheless. Reality is tough to swallow, sometimes.  As a matter of fact, there are times when reality will kick you in the throat.  Memories flooded my mind as the tune played out.  Tears began to flow as all those memories made their way to the front of my brain.   So, I asked myself, “Self, what would you say to yourself if you could reread/rewrite your life.  What would you say to your younger self?”  Hmm, interesting question!  There are so many things I would say to me. What would you say to the younger you?  Would you say the things you wished someone had said to you as a younger individual or would you just say let the younger you learn on their own?  Would you give you valuable advice?  Would you give you spiritual advice?  Would you talk to you about the birds and bees?  What would you say to you about life and the things that go along with it?  What would you tell you about love? This is my letter to me:

Dear younger me,

  Hey there, You!  I hope you find yourself well, as you are about to embark on some very important years.  I know you have already made some important decisions in your life.  How proud I am of you in choosing the Marine Corps as a foundation for your life.  I am sure the Marines will teach you some great things.  I think they found one of the few good men in you.  I know you have found the love of your life already.  Some folks spend a lifetime looking for that “one” person, you found her early.  That decision alone will save you some heart break along the path of your life.  Embrace her.  Now that life is just beginning for you, let me tell you some things that will give you a small edge when you are older.  I offer these only as advice, had I heard them when I was your age life may be a little different today.  

  First, Love, and love with all of your might.  Love deeply, compassionately and without any limitations.  Love is an action and you use that action on the ones you love, in the way that I described it.  If you still don’t get it, go to scripture, 1Cor 13:4-7.  That is the perfect  example of love.  However, love can come with some hurts along the way, but let your love go deeper.  1Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sin.”  Tim, not only are you to love your family and friends, you are to love the people you don’t know and be sure to love your enemy.

  Secondly, Forgive.  Life is tough sometimes, people will fail you and people will hurt you.  Forgive them.  Just as you would want to be forgiven.  Some people will not forgive you or they may put stipulations on you, forgive em anyway.  It will be so beneficial if you learn this now.  Holding in unforgiveness will ravish your very soul.  It will eat at you until you are eaten up with anger and hate.  Trust me you do not want that.  It’ll eat away the very good that is in you.  FORGIVE! 

  Third, Be Brave and take Chances, life is going to offer you many great opportunities, take em.  Do not be afraid to take chances.  If you fail 7 times, get up and try 7 more.  If it is college, a career, or a dream take the chance. The regrets will not be in the failures or successes of your hopes and dreams, but there will be regret if you didn’t try.  Try and Try again.

  Fourth, be a man, being a man is way more than just providing, a career, or knocking heads around.  Providing is good, that’s a start, but be there when the ones you love need you.  Do not make excuses, or estrange yourself from the ones you hold dear. They may not be there forever.  Be that safe place she can land when she needs a shoulder.  If she needs to be held, hold her.  Dress up for her and for you, look good, she’ll be proud of you.  Always show her how proud you are of her, all the time.  Start and end everyday with a prayer.  Oh, she’ll dig that.  Compliments, they mean a whole lot.  Be vulnerable, show them (the ones you love) the real you, the person you are when no one is looking.  Look, this next one took me a long time to figure out, cry.  Let the tears flow when you need to.  There is no shame in it.  Ultimately, those tears become tiny barbells, as they will strengthen you. This things are what make a man! 

  Fifth, is Fear.  Fear those things that can hurt you.  Drugs, don’t touch em and don’t even look at them.  There is no shame in not knowing what they look like, smell like, etc.  They will destroy you.  You are not bigger than drugs.  Fear them!  Alcohol, what greater  testimony than to be able to tell someone you have never even tried the stuff.  You know that alcoholism and addiction run in your family.  Don’t touch the stuff.  Cigarettes and snuff,  just stay away from em, they offer nothing good to you.  Fear can be a healthy thing if you use it properly.  Fear God!  No, do not be afraid of him, but acknowledge him as the Power he is.  Read about him.  Learn about him and fear him.

  Last but not least, I have seen you as a young kid embrace God.  Embrace him, love him, and spend time with him.  You spend time with him by reading your bible and praying.  Do not forsake this.  You have been doing these things a long time, do not let these habits go.  If you lose your faith you will be lost.  Do not turn your back on him, he will never fail you.  He will let you run around like a knucklehead searching for whatever it is you want to search for, but ultimately he reaches his arms out, longing for your embrace.  That is what he wants from you.  He loves you.  Embrace him.  Go to church too.  Do not foresake the gathering of the saints (Hebrews 10:25).  They are not God and God isn’t religion, remember that!  I left this one last because chances are you will remember the first one and the last one, but the ones in between are going to get blurred, you will learn.  I believe in you!

  I wished I could tell you that life is going to be with out any bumps in the road, but I can’t.  Chances are good that you are going to encounter some things that are going to knock the wind out of you.  Be brave young man, keep moving.  Chances are good that things are going to come along to try your faith, remember this, Greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world!  I wished I could assure you that every decision and choice you are going to make are going to be great ones, but I can’t give you that assurance.  You are probably going to make some stupid mistakes and choices, its part of growing, GROW!  I can assure you this, that those choices you make will eventually make you the man you will become.  Life is confusing at times, the only instruction we have is the Bible, read it like your life depends on it. I leave you with one more thing, Laugh.  Laughter does the heart good like a medicine.  If you walk around with a sour face, people will never take your “good” words serious. Besides, who would want what you got if you look bitter and sound bitter all the time (Its called Joy)?  Not me!  

PS.  Never touch a snake and always wear sunscreen!





Crying Out, Nobody Heard Me! I Thought?!

Some days I didn’t want to move,didn’t want to get up out of bed. Other days I wanted to die. Sleep was my only friend as the depression consumed my soul. Thanksgiving was here, I wasn’t thankful for anything, I was angry because I was alive. Alone, I walked out to a field, very secluded area and fell down on my knees, begging for relief, something, somebody, please take this hurt. Please take the shame and guilt from me. I wasn’t worthy to even cry out to God, I wasn’t even sure there was a God. If there was a God he didn’t show up that day, but believe me, the Darkness was close by. I wept for what seemed like an eternity. I was ringing my hands that day, picking my scabs, that day I was lost. Thanksgiving 2013 was a dark day. There were many a dark day ahead, I just didn’t know.

The battle for my soul led me down a dirty road. A road that I am not proud of. I have heard that God isn’t this or he isn’t that, or there is no God and that is ok that one believes that. Reality is, there is a battle going on, a battle for my very life. You see, I knew God, I have to look in the mirror everyday and see a Fallen Down Man of God, that’s not easy. Not too mention, a disgrace of a husband, a father that walked out of his families life,  I am a brother that didn’t cling to his siblings, I am a son that was estranged from  his mother and father.  I was an employee that took advantage of one of the greatest opportunities and the greatest man that God had ever put into my life.  I blew it!  I was a friend that didn’t stick closer than a brother.  You see I was a drug addict and then I started drinking because I couldn’t get drugs when I needed them.  There is a battle going on for my soul!  I was suicidal because I let darkness in. I had begun to cut ties with my family, eventually I was gonna kill myself.  I listened to the lies of the evil one that told me I was all those things. Let me say this, not one time as a follower of Christ did I ever feel those ways or do any of those things.  Even if he isn’t real, the goodness of life is worth the change.  Scientifically, he is the great physicist, there is no explaining with our simple minds.  Sure, I could rationalize this, but there is no need for rationalization when I can smile today!  It wasn’t that long ago that I couldn’t smile.

In April of 2007, I decided in my mind that I was no longer gonna listen to, believe in a God that allowed me to feel hurt like I felt.  I did not want anything to do with him or his people.  They had hurt me and my family.  Why would I wanna associate with something like that?  My kids are almost grown now, well, one is right on the precipice of being grown and one is still a little short of it, though she thinks she is grown.  They both are very hesitant of God and his workings, but they will get there.  It was that month, in 2007, that my life would never be the same. At 33 years old I took my first hydrocodone, in a way that was not proper, or Dr prescribed.  My life and use rocketed from there. I couldn’t control it, but it took my hurt away.  That’s all I wanted it to do.  I had failed at something I felt was my destiny, my calling, my ministry and those little pills became my mistress.  They became my life, as I would go to whatever length or pit I had to do to get em.  They were my God.  Now, at this point in my life I was not an atheist, because I believed there was some kind of spiritual being out there, but that he was no longer interested in me because I SUCKED!  He was for other people, why would he want me back?  Maybe I had become agnostic, but again, I do not think so because I believed in a Higher Power (God), he just wasn’t for me.  I guess I was indifferent,  or I thought claiming to be agnostic was a cop out and I certainly am not a “coward”, I gotta believe in something.   I was to afraid to call Satan, my God, because I was terrified of that whole scenario.  I have seen the Exorcist. I was a speck of dust just searching for something.  Everywhere I turned led me to more darkness.  I just think that we as human beings should believe in something.  Heck, I even thought about Buddhism at one point, great idea there, some of it!

Christianity, today, seemed so unstable, it involves so many different aspects of belief (religion). We have Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Pentecostal, Evangelicals, Holiness, etc etc.  You understand what I am saying.  Let me clear this up, I am not bashing any of those.  I grew up Pentecostal (Church of God), I say do your thing.  I just wasn’t sure the whole religious identity was for me.  I didn’t get it anymore.  There should be a Christian organization called Hypocriticals, I believe they would be the largest group involved with religion, if they would admit it and form it, just kidding, don’t get your briefs in a wad, that was a joke.  Seriously, I felt like Gandhi when he said, “…..I do not like your Christians.  Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”  That is were I was, DONE!

Back to 2013, my life had spiralled out of control.  My marriage was failing, at this point I had left the house, I was addicted to pain killers, I was burning a couple trees, I was pretty good at drinking beer, I was depressed beyond anything I have ever felt before, I had lost my job (which is a story in itself; how the greatness of God had even given me that job), I was picked up by police and put in a hospital because I literally felt like I was losing my mind, suicidal. I felt alone, I felt my kids hated me, I felt my wife hated me, I felt everybody hated me.  I didn’t have any hope, but there were days I remembered what Andy Dufresne said in The Shawshank Redemption, “Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.” I clung to that occasionally.  I certainly had blocked out all the love that ever existed, full of anger and hate, regret, shame, guilt and Alone.  While in the hospital, I even blocked calls from my wife, I didn’t want to hear her voice, after all, “She put me in there”.  I laugh now, at the time it was far from funny.  I put me in there!

My wife was dealing with issues of her own.  I will let her fill you in on that if she so desires.  However, I will tell you, I went to rehab on November of 2007 and again in May of 2008, her father passed away in 2009 and her mother passed in 2010 (May they both RIP in Heaven).  She had a hysterectomy in 2010.  She had a lot on her.  After I left, in November of 2013, she did a whole lot of soul searching and a bunch of work to get herself mentally where she felt she could function.  Let me tell you, she went to work, her and God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit.  Throughout November and December and into January, I wanted nothing to do with her.  I didn’t want to talk to her, see her or even think about her.  However, she and God had other plans.  Don’t get me wrong, we have loved one another since we were kids at church, teenagers really.  She was the one I saw and I knew that God had plans for us and I would always love her but the marriage was over, as far as I was concerned. There were days she would text me the kindest words, loving words, words that started to penetrate my heart.  I was a stone though.  I was not gonna let her back in, after all she was the reason I was hospitalized.  HaHa!  Joke was on me!  After a while, and occasionally those few months we would talk and I could tell she was no longer the same person that she was when I left.  She was so kind and loving toward me, so caring and even supportive of me, not the choices or the life I was making and living, but my heart and soul.  She was supporting the man that I was and I never wanted to be again.  She was loving towards me, even after all I have done and said to her.  She loved me and believed in me when I felt no one should. She saved my life.  She will tell you that it wasn’t her and I know it wasn’t her, but she was a willing vessel that was being used by God.  I could never thank her enough.  Today, she is better than the girl that I married 22 years ago. She is the most beautiful person I know.

Today, I write this with a new heart.  Today, I am home, our marriage is reconciled. But, early this morning (30 April 2014) at 0130  I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I believe it was a divine awakening. I felt a baseball sized lump in my throat and I knew what I had to do.  I talked to God. Sobbing, I told him what I thought and he listened.  I asked for forgiveness for all I have done and I asked Jesus Christ into my heart and to be the lover of my soul.  He graciously welcomed me back.  I know how the prodigal son must have felt, because, I was him.  Today, my slate is clean.  I am a new man with a new heart.  Why is this such a big deal for me?  Because, I said I would never do it again after he failed me.  He didn’t fail me, I failed him.  But, Thank God for second chances, third chances or even fourth chances.

Blue Monday! Screw Monday! What About Embrace Monday!

 Here we are, another week, another Monday.  Wow, it started like any typical Monday.  I felt very discouraged this morning.  Well…… I will tell you why, I have lost more things due to my STOOPIDITY than I care to count.  My wife got her a second job and I can’t find ONE job.  One vehicle family, sucks, I am forty years old, I should have a job and a car/truck……I guess it goes back to being a Man, I didn’t feel very manly this morning, titty baby maybe but whatever, it is what it is!  I don’t have a lawn mower as I was gonna buy me one but messed around and lost my job because once again, my STOOPIDITY.  I need to cut my stinking grass!  My daughter is sick, spent Saturday nite and early Sunday in the ER.  Sunday, I was so tired I couldn’t think strait, I was really in a crappy mood.  Should I go on, I believe I will.  First, let me say, I am not crying out for help from anybody, please do not think that.  I am just crying, moaning and complaining so you can Feel where I was this morning and the last 24 hours.  


  So, the last couple of days I have been doing this and that, reading, writing, and getting very encouraged. Even, got to the point I said to myself, “Tim, I think its time for you to get down on your knees and fight like a man (pray…in case I confused you)”, even was at the point of having a talk with God about cleansing my soul and washing me white again, and coming in to be the master of my life.  Cause believe me, being a slave to drugs, anger, hate, sadness, guilt and shame drove me to suicidal thinking.  Which I am glad I didn’t go that far.  I will save that far a later date to talk about.  I would rather be a slave to God than that other Madness.  Anyhow, as I searched out my heart, I thought,” lets try again God, lets see if all those things I was taught as a kid about you are true.  Lets just see if you are real.  Besides, if I do allow you in my heart, its gotta be better than that life.”  I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, thanks Bono.  Then, it happened, I woke up, pissed off and mad about that. So discouraged, ringing my hands, and shaking my head. I should have known, the evil one was gonna be lurking about.  He comes in like a thief, and I wasn’t armed.


  Trying to get my head outta my butt this morning, I just started thinking about different things. I tell you the truth, it was stuck, I couldn’t pull my head outta my butt.  Then something hit me, I started thinking about the valley.  I remember several years ago, Lamar Harrison, I am sure he wouldn’t mind me telling this.  He was preparing to sing a song or he was just ministering about the valley.  I remember he said there is life in the valley. Things grow in the valley.  It is green in the valley.  What do I do, I google valley and search the images and there it is.  Every picture I see, every valley is green and full of life and there are cities there in the valley.  Flowers grow in the valley.  Animals live and thrive in the valley, waters flow through the valleys.  You think that’s coincidence, I think not.  But, I did continue on with those thoughts and I thought about Mt Everest.  My son came home from Orlando last night…Imma break in and brag  about him for a sec.  My son is President of the Honors Program and is an officer in Phi Theta Kappa at Pearl River Community College. The PTK had their annual, national convention this past week in Orlando, therefore he went.  Proud of that young man.  He came in telling me about this lady that climbed Mt Everest (3 times), she is a scholar and she was speaking at the convention, but I can’t recall her name.  Nevertheless, she spoke about her adventures and how one time she attempted to climb but there was a storm therefore she and her team couldn’t do it that day.  Storms will destroy any great plan.  She spoke of her journey and how she had to prepare for her ascent to the summit.  I can’t remember exact detail but this is the meat and potatoes of what she spoke about.  Upon getting to the first of three base camps, you have to stay there several days to get acclimated to the elevation and lack of oxygen.  Once the allotted time is met, you have to hike to the second base camp, stay there the night and return to the original base camp. then repeat.  Once you are back at the second base camp, you prepare for the third base camp, hike up to the third base camp and repeat.  Back to the second, you get what I am saying…..Then to the summit, this takes much work, stamina, determination and tenacity.  In other words, it ain’t no easy adventure.  Not too mention, as you ascend to the top, for every step you take you have to stop ten minutes to catch your breath.  Yep, I said for every step.  SO, again I ask you, do you think my son came home to tell me about Mt Everest was by chance.  I think not.  I think a lesson was needed for Tim because I was getting weary.  Feel free to believe what you will.  It takes work to get to the top, all the while life is blooming down in the valley.  Sure, there is jubilation at the top.  There is celebration, joy, happiness, warm fuzzy feelings, etc.  Notice there is no life on top of the mountain, no flowers, no animals, nobody or no thing lives on the top of the mountain.  Those feelings are temporary.  Now, you have to walk down that mountain, and be careful, if you fall, its a steep drop, may be fatal.   


  Dear brother or sister, if you are feeling discouraged like I was, know you are not alone.  I too was there and am there, but things feel so much better this afternoon.  I think I can make the rest of my day that I am blessed with. I hope this encouraged you like it did me.  If it didn’t, thats ok, my life and your life may be on a different path.  So be it, life is good.  I am drug free today.  I can smile today.  I am loved today and I can love em back.  The tears I shed now are happy tears or they are tears of cleansing, cleansing of my soul.  I love you all!


Going Forward in Reverse,



http://youtu.be/O_ISAntOom0  U2_ I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

In the Beginning…….


  Church was always a big part of my life, I knew that God had great things for me but never really questioned it until I discharged from the Marines.  While serving, we stopped going to church.  It seemed odd for me not going to church but I was a Marine now and I didn’t think of it as important.  However, back home in Mississippi it was time for us to get involved with church again and so life went on.  From 1996 until 2000, our life was  just as any other couple, learning, laughing and loving. Spiritually, we were well.  I was a happy man, with a good life and a great family.

  I began to struggle with my my spirituality in those few years between 96 and 2000.  I wrestled with God and even  one point wept, pleading with God to just leave me alone and let me live my life as a good Christian man.  He had other plans.  Finally, in 2001 I accepted the call of God in my life. My family and I left the church we had known as kids, the church I first saw my future wife in when I was 15 and knew that she was gonna be mine.  The church I first kissed my future wife at, in the parking lot, after church of course.  The church she and I were married in.  The church we dedicated our kids to God in.  The church my mother still goes to today.  The only church I knew.  This was a very difficult decision but we made the decision and rocked on.  We started attending another smaller church, with a great pastor whom I love dearly.  Later, I would become youth pastor and ultimately pastor.

  There is so much more about my formative years, teenage years and my young married years I could tell, but we will talk about that later, as this is just to let you know who I am. This is just the beginning of a journey I have never taken.  I don’t know what is compelling me to tell my story, other than the fact that this is a healing for me.  Believe me, as you will see later I am a sick man.  If I can tell my story and it helps one person then I can say it was worth it, but until then, I still ask myself “why me”.

  Throughout this journey of blogging, I hope you can feel some of my hurts, feel my inspiration, feel the love that is being restored to me.  I hope to share some of those  feelings of love, hope, peace and joy.  Grant you, this is starting out as a spiritual journey.  I didn’t intend for that to be, it just is.  To understand fully what I am saying, it must be understood that I was a church kid, a spiritual kid and a loving kid but somewhere along the way I lost those things.  My blog is not to preach to or convince you that my way will work for you, you have your own beliefs, I just wanna tell you my story.  I am gonna try my best to tell you what being a Man is.  I will tell you what drugs will do to your life.  I am gonna share with you how darkness invaded my life and made me do things I thought I would never do.  I am gonna share with you my thoughts about music and share with you the “Metal” tunes that I love.  I love music, you are gonna hear some great tunes.  Bob Marley said, ” One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.”  How true is that? Someday’s I may share with you other things that interest me, things I may find beauty in.  Other days, I may share some compelling news.  I assure you, you will find something you will enjoy.  

  Several years ago, I had a dream that I was gonna one day write a book.  Now, I am not a writer by profession, heck, I am not even an amateur writer, but I woke up with a title of a book and that is why I chose my title, Going Forward in Reverse.  The thought is, throughout my life I have moved along but it always seemed backwards to me, thus the title.  Maybe, the blog was what I was gonna do.  I do not know.  This is a brand new trip for me.  I invite you to come along.  If there is a day that you do not agree with me or I offend you, please email me, we can talk.  Don’t judge me, this is my life.  This is life through my eyes.

  Thank you for reading.  I am pretty excited about this blog.  I look forward to reading yours.  Sit back and watch what this  is gonna turn into.  Going Forward in Reverse!